by Neil Rosenthal
Dear Neil: What is wrong with men? Why are they so aloof
and ungiving, so emotionally repressed and independent? No wonder I
can't find a good man to have a tender and passionate relationship
with. There aren't any good men.
- Trisha Z., Vancouver, B.C.
Dear Trisha: Twenty-five years ago, few men were sensitive
to women's bodies. Few fathers-to-be joined their wives in the
delivery room in preparation for the birth of their child. But soon
men had changed in these ways, and those changes occurred without
movements that blamed women, according to the book "Why Men Are the
Way They Are" by Warren Farrell (McGraw-Hill).
Farrell addresses why we think of women as giving of themselves,
while we think of men as only giving gifts or money.
Women's socialization teaches direct giving, such as being good
listeners, nurturers, or cooks. A man may give by working in a coal
mine and contracting black-lung disease so his child may attend
college, but his giving is done at the mine - where his family
doesn't see it. The result of his giving is a check.
With women's giving, we see her cook the meal, serve it and
usually clean it up. We don't see him wading through water in a
darkened damp mine shaft or driving a truck at 2 a.m. keeping
himself up with coffee. He may spend much of his life earning money
to finance a home that his wife fell in love with, but we don't
think of him being as giving as when a woman draws him out in
conversation and is a good listener.
A lot is made of men keeping their emotions under control.
Although this tight lid can make him appear withdrawn and aloof in a
relationship, the flip side is our dependence on this male trait in
crisis situations, such as the following account of a head-on
collision:
"Five cars crashed. There was glass and blood everywhere. Four of
us guys ran from car to car, following the screams and preparing
tourniquets. We stopped two cars to recruit passengers to redirect
traffic, called the police, and removed a woman and her son from a
car that burst into flames a minute later."
The newspaper reported the accident, but no headlines read "Men
control their emotions in order to save lives of women and
children." They ran a picture - not of four men standing next to the
women and children they saved, but of the five cars that collided.
Women's liberation has been defined as giving women the "right to
choose": the ability to choose the option of being at home or being
at work. Men do not learn they have the right to choose to be at
home. That would imply someone else would have to take care of them.
They learn, instead, "The world doesn't owe you a living."
As a result of a man's training to take care of himself and his
family, millions of women have been freer to choose than they would
be if they had to support themselves, asserts Farrell. I have a
recommendation for you. Quit viewing men as if they are a different
class or species and start looking at how you might see them as
individuals. I bet you'll be happier.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist,
specializing in intimate relationships. If you have an issue for him
to discuss, write him c/o The Gazette, Box 511, Cedar Rapids, IA
52406 or e-mail him at copleysd@copleynews.com. He is unable to
reply individually.
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