Dads Against the Divorce IndustryDA*DI is devoted to reinstating the societal valuation of Marriage and the traditional, nuclear American Family, with particular emphasis on the essential role of FATHERS. DA*DI offers contemporary reports and commentary on culture; its aberrations and its heroes. |
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Sibling Conflict Not A Scream For Parents
By Dr. Wade F. Horn
Q: I am the father of two
children, ages 10 and 13. Although they are both basically good
kids, at home they are constantly arguing and bickering with each
other. Is there anything I can do to help them get along?
A: Almost 80% of us grow up with at least one brother or sister,
making sibling relationships among the most important any of us will
ever have. When things go well, siblings provide us with support,
encouragement, friendship, and camaraderie. And not just when we are
children, but also when we are adults. Indeed, adult happiness is
largely dependent upon a supportive network of extended family, the
seeds for which are sown in the day to day interactions of siblings
during childhood.
Unfortunately, sibling relationships are also among the most
competitive we will ever experience. Ever since Cain and Able,
siblings have been competing with each other for status, for power,
and for affection. And like Cain and Able, sibling rivalry can turn
violent. According to research reported at a recent meeting of the
American Psychological Association, 65 percent of a sample of 202
college students said they had experienced some sibling physical
abuse, resulting in injuries to 17 percent of that group, with 4
percent requiring a visit to a physician.
Sibling rivalry can be an enormous source of frustration for
parents. Being exposed to arguing, complaining, whining, and
tattling is never pleasant. It is even less so when it occurs within
the context of the family, a place where we are suppose to encounter
respite, not bitterness.
Fortunately, there are ways to effectively managing sibling
rivalry.
Here's what you can do:
Don't compare. One of the primary reasons for sibling rivalry is
plain old-fashioned jealousy. Comparing one sibling with another in
their presence only builds resentment and encourages further
competition. If you must make comparisons, do so in private, and
even then only with your spouse.
Be clear on what are acceptable, and what are unacceptable, ways
of expressing disagreements. Expecting siblings never to have
disagreements is like expecting the sun will someday rise in the
west; in other words, it ain't gonna happen. The key to managing
sibling rivalry is not to demand its absence, but to set its ground
rules. Be clear on what you will allow, such as expressing verbally
(and in a moderate tone) one's dissatisfaction or frustration with
the behavior of the other, as well as what you will not allow, such
as hitting or name calling.
Don't be too quick to step in. When your kids argue or experience
conflict, give them some time to figure out how best to resolve the
conflict on their own. This way, sibling conflict becomes a
potential learning experience in how to manage and resolve
disagreements. If you jump in too quickly, they will come to rely on
you to resolve all their conflicts for them. |