Q: We have a 17-year-old
son who is floundering at school and in general. I see that there has
been a lack of limits and consequences in our parenting. It is very
difficult to help my husband see this and that our roles as mother and
father have been confused. Could you say something about what a son
needs from a father?
A: To understand why a son needs a father, requires an
understanding of why children need a father.
There are three different views on this subject. The first is the
"cash machine" view. It says that fathers are mostly important as
economic providers, either as breadwinners or as child support checks.
Everything else of importance is contributed by the mother.
This view is nonsense, of course, and is fortunately falling out of
favor. But once in a while it still creeps into our view of what a
"good father" is and does, and how we should treat them.
Witness, for example, the recent attempt by the Maryland State
Police to deny a veteran state trooper paternity leave to take care of
his newborn and seriously ill-wife. One female supervisor even told
him, "God made women to have babies, and unless you can have babies,
you can not be a primary caregiver." Talk about your Neanderthals!
A second view is that fathers are useful because they represent a
"second pair of hands." According to this view, the advantage of
living in a two-parent household has nothing to do with there being a
mother and a father in the home, but merely the fact that when it
comes to parenting, two people are better than one.
But if this were so, why is it that children growing up in a
single-parent headed household, but with another adult present, such
as a grandparent, do not do as well as children who grow up in intact,
two-parent households? Apparently, it matters greatly to whom the
"second pairs of hands" are attached.
The third view is that fathers' contributions to child development
are in some important ways different than those made by mothers. There
is, in fact, a good deal of research support for this idea.
We know, for example, that beginning when children are very young,
mothers tend to be more verbal with their children, whereas fathers
are more physical. Mothers also tend to encourage personal safety and
caution, whereas father are more challenging of achievement,
independence, and risk-taking. And mothers tend to be stronger
comforting figures, whereas fathers exert more control over the
behavior of their children.
The fact that moms and dads tend to parent differently, is not to
say that one does it "right" or "better" than the other. Nor is the
point to straight-jacket men and women into strict gender roles.
Rather, what this research suggests is that to develop optimally,
children need the combination of what moms and dads uniquely bring to
the parenting equation.
Take, for example, the "rough and tumble" play of fathers. During
the 1970's and 1980's, it was frequently asserted that the physical
play of fathers was superfluous to childrearing. Some "experts" even
exhorted fathers to stop playing with the kids and do more housework,
fearing that the rough and tumble play of fathers taught children --
and especially sons -- to behave aggressively.
But recent research reveals that in reality the physical play of
fathers helps children, and especially sons, develop the capacity to
self-regulate their emotions and behavior, and to recognize the
emotional cues of others. In effect, the rough and tumble play of
fathers gives children practice in regulating their aggression and
activity level, for if the child's play gets too out-of-hand, the
father instructs the child to "calm down" or otherwise places a limit
on his behavior.
At the same time, the fact that moms talk more with their children
than do dads is extremely important, particularly in the early years,
in terms of language development. It is not, then, that "rough and
tumble" play is better or worse than reading stories to one's
children, it is that kids need both.
So what does a son need from a father? First, he needs him to be
there. A famous comedian once quipped that 90 percent of life is just
showing up. Being a good father is certainly more than that. But
showing up does seem to be a prerequisite for everything else.
Second, a son needs his father to show him that he is loved. The
anachronistic image of the cold, distant, martinet, who ruled the
roost with an iron fist is just that -- an anachronism. In fact,
research shows that sons who have fathers who are nurturant and
physically affectionate toward them, grow up more well-adjusted and
more secure in their masculinity than sons whose fathers are not.
Third, a son needs his father to place limits on his behavior.
There need be no contradiction between setting limits and showing
affection. Indeed, a father's ability to set limits is enhanced when
the father has a close and warm relationship with his son. But without
the imposition of external limits, sons grow up with a reduced
capacity to set internal limits. These are the sons who are often
described as "floundering."
Fourth, a son needs his father's example. If the son grows up
watching his father regularly and consistently controlling himself
despite the presence of strong emotions, then that son is more likely
to learn to do so as well.
Similarly, it is through the son's observation of how the father
treats the mother that boys learn how men should treat women. If the
father treats the mother with respect and dignity, then it is likely
that his son will grow up to treat women with dignity and respect. If
the father treats the mother with disdain and cruelty, then his son is
likely to grow up to do the same. It is no exaggeration to suggest
that the best prevention for domestic violence, is to have boys grow
up in homes where their father respects, loves and supports the
mother.
Finally, a son needs his father's help in transitioning from
boyhood to responsible manhood. As described by noted psychiatrist
Frank Pittman, for males to make this transition successfully, they
require an affirmation that they are "man enough." Historically, such
an affirmation has been provided either by one's own father or by
social rituals, often organized and run by the community of fathers.
If a male transitions into adulthood in years, but does not receive
this affirmation, he will search for it through other -- and often
socially inappropriate -- means, such as through gang activity or the
abuse of women.
So yes, fathers are important -- critically important -- to the
healthy development of their sons. And so, of course, are mothers.
Lucky is the child who has both.
home
marriage &
family
moms, dads,
kids
current
affairs
Dads Against the Divorce Industry