Dads Against the Divorce Industry

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Dr. Sal Severe: Kids and Divorce

We have all become familiar with the tragic litany of ills that befall a significant number of kids who come from single-parent and broken homes. But the majority of kids at risk do not end up in prison, nor do they commit or attempt suicide.

That's the good news.

Contrary to the myths that divorce is better for kids than a bad marriage, studies have found that in the absence of severe and/or ongoing hostility, children are far better off within a two-parent biological family that has its troubles. And as Judith Wallerstein[1] has demonstrated, "a significant number of children suffer long-term, perhaps permanent detrimental effects from divorce, and ... others experience submerged effects that may appear years later."

DIVORCE AND BEHAVIOR

Dr. Sal Severe[2], in his book on parent-child behavioral influences, provides an emotionally palpable and professionally accurate word portrait of how these effects are manifested, within and without.

WHAT HAPPENS IN SCHOOL

TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO, THE DIVORCE RATE was not high enough to merit much attention. It's different today and we have learned a lot along the way. Divorce hurts children and hurt children strike back, sometimes at themselves. Loss, rejection, abandonment, loneliness, fear, guilt, stress, and anger hit hard. Most observers see a connection between the divorce rate and increased rates of gang delinquency, drug use, and dropouts.

Because many of the school children referred to me for learning or behavior problems have experienced a divorce, I have learned a lot about the ways that divorce affects children in school. I have even learned some things about prevention and treatment. Here are some of the things I have found.

Children psychologically bond to both parents. When parents divorce, it is like having half of your personality torn away. Children feel like half of their "self" is missing. These feelings of loss, rejection and abandonment destroy a child's ability to concentrate in shcool.

These unhealthy feelings increase when parents attack or degrade each other. When one parent says malicious things about the other parent in front of the children, the children worry that these displeasing qualities exist in them. "If dad is a bad person, am I a bad person too? After all, I'm a lot like my dad."

When parents try to get even or outdo each other, the children become confused. I worked with one family where the mother insisted that the children be sheltered from violence. A reasonable request. Dad's favorite weekend activities; Stallone movies on the VCR and afternoon trips to the rifle range. While the parents argued about what was the best for the children, the children became divided and emoitonally unsteady.

Over the years, Nathan has gradually lost his relationship with his father.

"I feel like no one likes me."
"Do you feel that way because your dad doesn't see you?"
"Yes."
"What do you mean?"
"It must be me. He doesn't like me for some reason."
"Do you think you have done something wrong?"
"I must have done something. Maybe I'm a bad kid."
"Do you think you are a bad kid?"
"Yes."
"How often do you feel that way?"
"All the time."
"How often do you think about your father?"
"Every day."

Nathan's feelings of rejection and loss cut deep. he believed that he was a worthless child. He was sure that his lack of paternal contact meant that he was not worthy of his father's love and time. He thought about it very day. His lack of self worth interfered with every aspect of his life. He was afraid to make friends. He was afraid to od well in school. He was even afraid to get too close to his mother. If his father did not care, if his father left him, others would too.

Some children worry about being abandoned by the caretaking parent. If one parent has left me, how do I know my other parent won't leave me? Who will take care of me? This is another reasonwhy children do not talk to their parents about their feelings. A seven-year-old once explained, "My mom is very angry at my dad. If I tell her how sad I am, she will get madder. Then she might leave me too." Children are afraid to say or do anything that will alienate or provoke their parents for fear that both may leave.

Anger and aggression are typical reactions to divorce. This is especially true when the parents get angry at each other. Steven's parents had been divorced for several months. During that time, Steven had been geting more aggressive at school and at home. What caused the increased anger and aggression? Steven was angry at his dad. Angry for leaving. Angry for not spending more time with him. Angry for having a new girlfriend. Steven did not direct his anger at dad. That might drive dad away even more. Steven took it out peers, because it was relatively safe to do so. He also took his anger out on his little sister, because she liked dad's new girlfriend. ...

Change frightens children. Often, one parent takes the children and leaves home. They may move in with relatives or into less expensive quarters. For many children, this means a new home, new school, new friends and new stresses. Add this to loss of a parent and radical change in life style and you have the ingredients for an emotional trauma. These changes interfere with success in school. ...

Over half of the children I speak with hope their parents will get back together. It is understandable for children to think in this manner. Children want the family to be the way it used to be. This is a fantasy that most children grasp onto regardless of the facts. A college freshman once told me that he frequently thinks about reuniting his parents. They have been divorced since he was six and both parents have remarried for years. He still hangs on to the possibility.

DELAYED EFFECTS

The aftermath of divorce lasts for years. A mother came to speak with me about her seventeen year-old daughter. Melody had always done well in school. She was a well behaved and trustworthy young lady. Within a two month period, it all turned around. Melody quit going to school, became promiscuous and got involved with drugs. When I spoke with Melody, she knew exactly what was going on inside herself. She was angry at her father. He left her and her mother when Melody was seven. Melody kept hoping he would return. If he did, she wanted to be sure he would be proud of her, so she always did well for him. Then recently, she realized he was never coming back. "So why be good? I decided to stop working so hard and have a good time instead."

It had been ten years since Melody's father left. It took ten years for the hurt and loss ot fester to the point where it finally erupted. It took ten years for the effects to be come visible. It would be easy to dismiss a ten year-old event as a probable cause for a recent change in behavior. I now realize that the impact of divorce may be immediate or may not surface for years. Teachers and other school professionals must be aware fo this when working with troubled children. Do not overlook a divorce as influencing a child's behavior or mood just because it happened several years ago. It may still be fresh in the child's mind.

Editorial note: From the foregoing, it may appear that father's are being painted with a broad brush of condemnation for being the "dumper" rather than the "dumpee". Fathers remain the least likely to obtain custody of their children in a contested case (less than 13% awarded to fathers). The spouse who most often originates the divorce is the wife (67%). One third of the divorced Fathers in America have had all contact with their children terminated by their former wives, contrary to the order of the divorce court. Allegations of child abuse, most often false (83%) - and against the father, have soared by as much as 2000% in recent years. Nor is this an attempt to whitewash dads - there is plenty of blame to go around. Nevertheless, it remains true that "family courts" are virtually universal in dismissing the importance of dads as the co-nurturant, co-parent. - Gerald L. Rowles, Ph.D.

[1] Judith S. Wallerstein. 1991. "The Long-term Effects of Divorce on Children: A Review." Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry 30(3)(May, 1991): 358-359.
[2] Sal Severe, Ph.D. "How To Behave so your children will too." Greentree Publishing, Tempe, AZ, (1997): 227-231 Dr. Severe has served for 23 years as a school psychologist. In the past 14 years, he has "traded ideas with more than 12,000 parents who have attended his workshops." For information on parenting workshops or bobok sales, call 1-800-866-5208

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