I am writing today to apologize for recent derogatory statements I have made about the Office of Campus Diversity, and about the diversity movement in general. For example, I was very critical of the previous chancellor for his refusal to respond to my request to promote books that criticize the gay rights movement on the Office of Campus Diversity website. I thought it would promote diversity if we posted them next to all the references to books that support the gay rights movement from a religious perspective.

Recently, I also noticed that the university's Women's Center website provides a link to a gay website that is loaded with religious writings and advertisements for gay churches. One of the writings is called "Christ on a Rainbow." It is located just below another called "Love that is binding: The musings of a deep throated Pollyanna." One of the advertisements for a local gay church reads, "Whatever you believe, we embrace you!" All this, despite the center's refusal to provide a link to a crisis pregnancy center because it is, in the director's words, "overtly religious."

I must confess that for a long time, I considered your office, the Women's Center, and the diversity task force to be dominated by mendacious hypocrites. But now, I realize that this has all been a big misunderstanding. When the administration began to promote diversity, I thought that this included ideas predicated upon the existence of moral absolutes. That is why, for example, I thought that the campus diversity movement would be willing to work with groups who espouse the view that abortion is murder and that murder is simply objectively wrong.

I now realize that this movement really seeks to promote moral relativism. In fact, all of the speakers, organizations, programs, and readings your office promotes are geared towards abolishing the notion of absolute truth and any accompanying form of moral judgment.

While I accept full responsibility for the misunderstanding, I think it would be wise to consider renaming your office. Perhaps you could call it "The Office of Moral Relativism" and call yourself the "Director of Relativism." You may also want to ask the "Diversity Task Force" to change its name to the "Relativism Task Force."

Now that I have finally come to a better understanding of your mission, I plan to make some more realistic recommendations to the new Office of Moral Relativism. In fact, I'd like to start with one today.

Recently, I visited the website of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA). I must confess that, at first, I didn't believe that such an organization could be easily located on the Internet. But the more I read about their purpose, the more I realized that they share the principle concerns and ultimate goals of both your office and our university.

For example, NAMBLA is geared towards:

1. Building understanding and support for man/boy relationships;

2. Educating the general public on the benevolent nature of man/boy love;

3. Cooperating with lesbian, gay, feminist, and other liberation movements; and

4. Supporting the liberation of persons of all ages from sexual prejudice and oppression.

In other words, NAMBLA doesn't claim that sex with children is the only legitimate sexual orientation or alternative lifestyle. It merely helps people to be understanding and supportive of those who have sex with children and, of course, to free them from unfair prejudice and persecution at the hands of an oppressive and judgmental criminal justice system.

Furthermore, NAMBLA's membership is open to everyone sympathetic to man/boy love and personal freedom. In fact, so strong is their dedication to personal freedom that they would eliminate age-of-consent laws altogether. Grown men who are attracted to 23 year olds, 13 year olds, and even 3 year olds could enjoy full equality and personal autonomy in a society embracing the policies of their organization.

On a recent trip to the Project B-Glad portion of the university website, I was pleased to see that our university already promotes books encouraging homosexuality among children. We should expand our recommended reading list by drawing upon some of NAMBLA's recommended readings. Some of their readings also deal with ageism and prison rape. I will, therefore, encourage the Gerontology and Criminal Justice Programs to consider incorporating some of these readings into their curriculum. Perhaps an entire course on man/boy love relationships would be an appropriate elective for the Gerontology program.

While some of these goals may take time, I think that we should immediately provide a link to NAMBLA's website on the university's home page. We should also invite a member of their organization to speak at the university. And maybe we could provide faculty and staff with bumper stickers, which read, "Pedophobia is a Social Disease." Could you imagine any more effective way to assist the university in carrying out its mission of eliminating moral judgment and promoting understanding and tolerance? Neither can I.

Hopefully, my suggestions will help our students understand that there really are no moral absolutes. Except, of course, for moral relativism.

Mike S. Adams (adams_mike@hotmail.com) is an associate professor of social satire at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington. He is frequently chastised by his colleagues for believing some things (such as having sex with children) are simply wrong regardless of one's cultural perspective. Some people who aren't Swift enough to understand satire also occasionally chastise him.