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To be dads, boys
must learn to be
men
THE WASHINGTON TIMES
"Manhood development" expert Ademola
Ekulona says there is a "fatherhood crisis" because there is a
"manhood crisis." Mr. Ekulona, a former social worker and journalist
who has a degree from the Harvard University Graduate School of
Education, now reaches inner-city boys through his Baltimore
company, Adisa Future Positive Systems. Mr. Ekulona recently talked
with Washington Times reporter Cheryl Wetzstein about his work with
young males.
TWT:
What is manhood
development?
It is the process
of escorting or guiding a boy from boyhood to manhood. It is best
managed with a regular and systematic process that includes formal
acculturation into the appropriate gender
role.
TWT: Can only men
do manhood
development?
Yes.
TWT:
What then is a woman's role in
this?
The woman sets the
criteria. The work is done by the man. I am an Afrocentrist, and I
believe that we should go back to tradition. Males, in order to be
considered a marriageable or companionable partner, must pass
through rites of passage. If you cannot pass the tests that the men
have established and the women have agreed to, which verifies that
you have the kind of self-control, dedication, wisdom and courage to
withstand the pressures of family and community, the woman will say,
'How can you expect me to throw my lot in with
you?'
TWT: In America,
what would a test of manhood look
like?
I've said for years that
literacy, in terms of being able to read and write the English
language in America, is the equivalent of knowing how to work a
spear and a shield in the
bush.
Literacy is so important and
so essential that any woman who a man wants to date should bring
forth a book and say: 'Read this. Now write this letter to my
father, explaining your intentions.' If the male is not able to do
this, the woman should tell him very kindly, 'Please leave -- the
room has no place for
you.'
TWT: What do you
teach the boys about
women?
Search for a companion
to whom you can make a commitment and after you have qualified her,
begin to demonstrate your commitment by consistent attention to the
relationship. At that point, you begin to talk about marriage. And
significantly after marriage, begin to create a child. I put it in
that order: You've got to learn who you are. Then learn about women.
Find your woman. Commit to her. Then have a
child.
TWT: What else do
you teach the boys?
I tell
them, 'You are the prize.' America tells us that women are the
prize, but in terms of nature, men are the prize. Women are
naturally going to seek out the man who has the strongest potential
to be supportive. So she sets up the criteria and if you are an
alpha male, you are the prize. What you should understand is she may
have an interest in [seducing you] because once she gets your seed
inside of her, you have no say whatsoever in what happens to
it.
TWT: What do you tell
boys about contraception?
I say
contraceptive is the man's business because the male has the seed.
The egg is just there and will pass on unless you put your seed near
it. So you cannot leave it up to her. I tell the males that even if
you have had sexual experience, you need to practice your own
abstinence. You should not be as available as the media --
especially as the black music industry -- teaches you you should
be.
TWT: What do you tell
the boys about welfare?
That if
there was ever anything that was a good escape, welfare was it. And
it's over. So if you make a baby, they will find you and they won't
care about your sob story. You will have to pay. And if you don't
like it, don't try to leave the country -- you'd better leave the
planet.
TWT: What do you
say to young females about young
males?
Boys are cute, and
teen-age males are at the prime of maleness. The problem with being
big and cute is you can give people the impression that you're a
man.
I tell the girls to listen to
what he's saying and ask some questions: Does he have anything? Look
at what he's asking you to do. A man with serious intent is not
going to be asking you to go to bed with him tonight because if he
has serious intent, he wants to know who you are ... if you can
cook, clean, think, read, learn,
work.
She should ask, what does he
do with his time? Is the main thing that he does with his time
running around with his boys? And I take that term literally,
because men don't have time to do a whole lot of
playing.
I advise my daughters and
other women that, unless the male is 28 years old, do not make any
kind of commitment with him. He's not
ready.
TWT: Well, let's go back
to the sex part. You give an abstinence message. If people are going
to wait to marry until age 26 or 28, what happens with all those
desires for love?
Well, what
did traditional societies do? They kept the male busy working.
Adolescence is a modern phenomenon, a luxury afforded by an
industrial society that basically tells people they're useless until
they become legal workers.
There
are also things that you can eat and things that you can do to use
the energy that is represented by these so-called 'raging hormones.'
The urge for sex is controllable. Most men know this after a while,
although they like to let women think they have to have
it.
TWT: What do you think of
all the fatherhood groups?
The
reason we have a fatherhood crisis is that we have a manhood crisis.
What is wise about fatherhood groups is that they're dealing with
reality and addressing the fathers' need for parenting instruction
and jobs.
But unless the groups
deal with a father's manhood and the stabilization of his character,
he's not going to enter into a commitment with his child and he will
very likely go out and create another
child.
My contention is that the
best thing we can do for our children is to prevent them from being
parents before they're ready. If you give the boys enough to do,
they are going to have something other than the girls' pants to
concentrate on. Video games are not adequate.
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