Archive for the 'Post-Divorce' Category

How to Build Trust and Acceptance with Stepchildren

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

If you are looking for ways to build trust and Acceptance with stepchildren, don’t feel like you are alone as this is a common problem that is faced with so many people today that have married someone who already has children from a previous marriage.

Stepfathers and stepmothers are faced with new challenges trying to get the approval of there step-children. It’s never an easy situation because the children are already hurt and angry along with a lot of other emotions they are dealing with over the breakup of their parents and now a new step parent is entering their life is just the icing on the cake for them. Most of the times you can just expect they will be defensive and treat you like an intruder and a threat to their home and their lives.

So, if you want to gain acceptance with your stepchildren, it’s going to take work and time to open the door into their lives. So, as you endeavor to build the relationship don’t force yourself on them, let the child set the pace for entering into the relationship. Remember you will never replace their biological parents or that bond so it’s best to work toward being a friend but also you want the respect given towards you as a parental figure. If it’s necessary, assure the children you know that you can’t replace the absent parent and you have no desire to, but rather you want to be close friends.

As time passes, living together you will most often find that as the child sees good qualities and your desire to be friends they will most often lower their defensive posture and begin to allow you into their world. As time passes, you can begin to increase your affections and close involvement with the child and you can over a period of time build a solid strong relationship that will even be filled with mutual love and trust.

Here is a key mistake often made by step parents that’s guaranteed to kill any chance of building a relationship with your stepchild which you need to avoid at all cost. When the absent parent comes around to visit or to spend time with the children remember to always be polite and be excited for the child to visit with that parent no matter how you really fell about them. Remember that you would not like anyone to bad mouth your own parents and you can bet your stepchildren feel exactly the same way. It’s never an easy task to enter into a new family but you will find that over time you and your stepchildren can become very close and have a wonderful life together.

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How to Be a Successful Single Parent

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

No matter why you have found yourself to be a single parent, whether it was from divorce or from a death of a spouse, you can be successful. It may be trying and very hard at times, because you now have to be both father and mother unless the other parent is around and takes an active part. But, this article is for the parents that have found themselves pretty much being the only parent with any responsibility to the rearing of the children.

The very first thing you must to in order to be successful is to have a commitment not only to your children but to the family as a whole. Putting the children and their needs above all else. I do not mean drop everything and run as soon as they call out our name. I am talking about putting things they need first and being there for them. Yes, you can work and still be there for them. Learn to work with your schedule between work and home time and be sure they receive enough attention. You can help your children by being supportive and understanding.

Communication is next. Open communication is the stronghold of any successful family whether it is single family home or not. Allowing your children to openly express their thoughts and feelings as long as it is not in an abusive manner is the backbone to building trust and support. This will allow each person to develop their own personality and have their own interest. Putting the law down and not allow children to speak out, in a manner that is respectful, can hinder their development and individual growth. But, you also do not want them or yourself running over one another either. There must be a happy medium.

The next thing to remember to be a successful single parent is stick to a routine. Try your best to eat at the same time every day, have bedtimes at a specific time, and even have a time scheduled for homework. If you can manage your household, your children will learn when they should be doing what and may even be eager to help. You can even give the smaller children some minor chores as dusting, the job may not be perfect, but they are learning to be a part of the family. This way each person in the family is contributing to the well being of the family.

The last thing to remember which may be one of the most important is to keep up with your traditions. If you have always gone to church, keep going. If you always served a special meal on a certain day of the week or during holidays, keep it up. Maintaining order and familiar schedules and procedures will of course help keep your family well tuned.

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Make You Remarriage Work

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

After time passes and wounds slowly heal, you look back at the time with your former spouse and the two of you decide to give your romance another go.  Getting past the heartache of the previous marriage is something both partners will have to deal with when the same situations that hurt their previous marriage occur.  The best thing to do to get over these little speed bumps is first by seeking the help of a professional counselor.

If the two of you are able to realize that both of you had issues, then a great step has been taken.  The two of you can then focus on the negatives of the previous relationship together.  Having both partners come to grips with the problems in themselves they can work on compromising or changing with their partner.  If only one of you is taking the blame for the wrong doings in the previous relationship, then the pattern will repeat itself with one person being on the receiving end of the lashings.

One problem you might run into is if your former spouse had an affair or physically abused you or a child.  Since a lot of people sometimes turn to this abuse for their own gratification, in the end you must look at that person again and see if any changes have occurred.  It’s very easy to accept the other person’s word that they have changed, especially if you have just come out of a relationship with that person.  Don’t let the past mistakes get in the way of something new.  Use each lesson from the previous marriage wisely and reflect back on your time with this person.  If both of you do this, it should fix the previous problems.

Just forgetting about your previous relationship with this person can also lead to the biggest downfall for yourself.  Going through the same pain and heartache twice is something no one wants, so look at your situation and the other person.  If neither of you has changed or if only one of you has, then going your separate ways would probably be the best for you both.  Take other people’s advice seriously, as they can easily be the best judges since they are less attached to the situation.  Don’t take another’s advice more seriously than your own though, as in the end only you can judge the entire relationship inside and out.

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Learning to Trust after Your Divorce

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

It can be a horrible experience in your life after divorce. You spent so much time and built so much around that person. You’ve worked at your relationship and enjoyed it for so long. You put everything you had into your spouse, trust, devotion, love, and admiration, now all of this gone. How can you ever trust anyone ever again?

It is possible to trust another again as you did your former love. You just have to learn to let go of the pain you have now. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You did get hurt and you have every right in the world to be angry but you have to move on if you want to have another relationship. Not everyone you meet is going to hurt you. You have to let them know you have been hurt before and are not willing to go through it again.

Do you ever find yourself snooping through your new love’s things? If so, you do not trust that person. You may be having a hard time trusting this person, because you last spouse cheated on you and you are looking for signs. If you find anything that could be considered “cheat material” you will immediately act as if this person is also cheating on you. You should not dig through your lover’s things. You have to learn to trust them even though it does not feel possible. Learning to trust means to be open to that person and establishing good communication. Both of you have to be committed to your relationship.

Take a day for just the two of you to do nothing but talk and bond. Spend a day at a park or go see a movie together. Cook a dinner together. Doing all of this establishes good communication and bonding.

When hard times come around it is not entirely a bad thing. You can grow together from the issue. You learn from what you do wrong. Mistakes will be made and it is important to try to learn from them and grow from them.

Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, or a perfect relationship. Everyone has issues no matter what they lead you to believe. Problems are there for you to learn and grow together and you should try to have fun and laugh a lot when you can.

Most of all just try to love each other to the best of your ability.

Posted in Emotions & Divorce, Post-Divorce | No Comments »

Getting Ready for Your First Date Post-Divorce

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

First you should ask yourself a few things. Does the thought of your ex generate feelings of hatred, anger or grief? Do you no longer feel the need to talk about him/her to anyone who will listen? Seeking revenge on them no longer crosses your mind? Do days go by and you no longer think of them? If you are OK when it comes to all of that it is OK to move onto a new relationship.

On your first date you should try to get to know the person well. See what they’re all about and let them do the same with you. You should be very kept on your date and consider not drinking. You should also not bring up your past marriage and of course your ex-spouse, this can really bore the other person or have them believing that you are still in love with your ex. Dress appropriately for the date. It would be a good idea to keep the first date short and the next date little longer. If you find the person does not interest you at all, and then just break it off. Take your time in finding the one you want to spend your time with. It is OK to take all the time you want and need.

Also on your first date you should do something fun. Go see a movie or go on a walk. This will give you more of an enjoyable time to get to know each other before going on to dinner.

If you have children you should come out right away and say so. Hopefully, the one you are dating likes children. But if they don’t or act strange when you tell them, then this person is not your soul mate. You children should be your first priority. If they have children too you should ask if it would be alright for the children to play together. Maybe even when you go on your dates, have the same person watch them. This will give the children time to get to know one another as well. Also, include the children in some of your dates, like picnics, etc.

All in all, just be sure you are dating someone who you’d really like to get to know.  Be sure you are going on your date with good intensions and not just to see if you’re ready. You have to be sure you’re ready. Be polite on your date and be nice to the person. Try not to push the person too much and most of all have fun with them and make the best of it!

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Dating after Divorce

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

First off, you should be sure you’re ready to date someone before you step out into the dating scene. Be sure you are fully healed from your divorce and are ready to open up to another person. Hopefully, after your divorce you’ve gone through some counseling.

You’ll have a lot of self-doubt and negative thoughts about yourself. You might still be depressed and want to be alone all the time and pine in your old relationship. Sometimes others rebound and get involved with another too fast. Their desperation comes from sadness, guilt and anxiety about being alone. You should really take things very slow and make sure you are ready to dive into another relationship. You have a lot of emotions you’re going through still and it would be better for yourself to recover completely.

You should stay close to your family and turn to them when you are feeling upset, especially around holidays and other special days you should turn to those that will be there for you.

If you are completely ready for a new love, go ahead and start dating. At some point in the date they may ask if you’ve ever been married and it is OK to tell them you don’t want to talk about it right then. But if you are, be sure to tell them what happened in your past relationship. You don’t have to go into details, and you should not be too down on your ex-spouse.  If you have some friends it may be better to go on dates with them instead of trying to date someone new. This way you can get back into the swing of things and start having fun again. They can offer their support and you can start having fun again. Remember you don’t have to have another relationship right away. It will not be healthy if you were to jump into another without getting back to yourself.

If you have children, you have to consider them too. They will wonder what is going on. You should let your kids meet your new friend but don’t push them into liking them. It will take the kid’s time. You children will view your new friend as an invader and they’ll stick to you a lot more than usual. Talk to your kids and see what they think and feel about your new friend. Always remember to express to your children that you are not replacing their other parent with this new of yours.

Just try to seek advice from the ones you trust and take it easy! Believe in yourself again and really sort out what you want in a relationship.

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Modifying an Existing Court Order

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

How does one modify or change an existing court order? First of all, to better understand what is to be done, what precisely is a court order?

A court order is an order given by a judge or a panel or group of judges. It is an order with specific requirements and rules that you are to fulfill.

To change a court order, here is what must be done depending on your situation: If you have an order from the Provincial (or local) Court, and you both agree to change it, go to the court that made the original order and ask if court staff can provide you with the appropriate forms and instructions. In almost all cases, the change can be made without a court hearing.

If you have an order from the Supreme Court, and you and the court agree to modify it, you can write your own modified forms, following precisely the information provided in the Supreme Court (common) Rules, available on-line. However, the Supreme Court method is complex. You should see the court staff for more information, and you may also want to talk to a lawyer. Like Provincial (or local) Court, in most situations, the modification can be made without a court hearing.

If you have an agreement, rather than a court order, and both of you agree to modify (or change) it, you can either revise the current agreement or write a new one. It’s also an excellent idea to file your revised agreement with the court. Once it’s filed, you can ask the court to enforce it for you if you run into any kind of problems later on.

If after all of this is done, and still you can get nothing to be changed or modified, then you will need to apply to the court and ask a judge to change it. If it is over children for example, the judge will make the decision based on the best interests of the child. To decide this, the judge will take in to account many facts, including the child’s physical and emotional well being, and the ability of each parent to meet that child’s needs. In many cases, you will need to prove to the judge that you have changed since the time when the first agreement was made.

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Enforcement of Court Orders (Contempt of Court)

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

Contempt of Court – “Any willful disobedience to, or disregard of, a court order or any misconduct in the presence of a court; action that interferes with a judge’s ability to administer justice or that insults the dignity of the court; punishable by fine or imprisonment or both. There are both civil and criminal contempt’s; the distinction is often unclear.”

Which simply means that you get in to trouble that requires a court order and a judge gives you a set of rules to live by and purposely break every one; then you are in trouble. It is similar to breaking the law.

Contempt Of Court — Civil or Criminal

A judge who feels someone is improperly challenging or ignoring the court’s authority has the power to tell the disobedient person (called the contemnor) in contempt of court. There are two kinds of contempt – criminal and civil. Criminal contempt happens when the contemnor actually hinders with the ability of the court to function normally – for example, by yelling at the judge. This is also called direct contempt because it occurs directly in front of the judge. This is a very clear definition, almost impossible to be misunderstood. A criminal contemnor may be fined, jailed or both as punishment for his behavior.

Civil contempt occurs when the contemnor, on purpose disobeys a court order. This is also called indirect contempt because it occurs outside the judge’s immediate realm and evidence must be presented to the judge to prove the contempt. In other words, you disobey the judge behind his or her back. A civil contemnor, too, may be fined, jailed or both. The fine or jailing is meant to force the contemnor into obeying the court, not to punish him, and the contemnor will be released from jail just as soon as he complies with the court order.

This is quite merciful of them.

In family law, civil contempt is one way a court enforces alimony (or money), child support, custody and visitation orders which have been abused.

However, many courts have realized that, at least regarding various routine matters such as appointment of counsel, the distinction between civil and criminal contempt is often hazy and uncertain.

By the Constitution of the United States, each house of congress may determine the rules of its events; punish its members for rebellious behavior and, with the agreement of two-thirds, expel a member. The same terms is substantially contained in the constitutions of the several states. Courts of justice have an inherent power to punish all people for contempt of their rules and orders, for disobedience of their methods, and for disturbing them in their proceedings.

Posted in Divorce Process, Post-Divorce | No Comments »