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Archive for the 'Emotions & Divorce' Category

Recovering from Betrayal

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

They always say the first step to anything is acceptance, which is quite true in this case.  The person who got betrayed needs to accept that it happened and not necessarily move on but at least comes to terms.  They need to realize that it wasn’t their fault but the other persons.  Most people blame themselves for the betrayal and tear themselves up thinking about what they could’ve done differently about the situation. There is not one thing you could have done.
 
Realizing that you are not alone and that this kind of betrayal happens everyday to people in all walks of life. Understanding that is does happen to others may also help some people come to grips with the acceptance of the betrayal.  There are support groups for everything and no one should be ashamed of joining one for comfort and support from others.  A person can also always turn to a counselor for support and clarification if things get to difficult for them.  The greatest thing though is to have the support of friends and family during this time keeping your spirits up and reassuring you.
 
If you have loved someone for such a long time you tend to dwell on the betrayal for a very long time, spiraling yourself down.  The best for you to do is getting out and enjoy yourself, don’t become a slave to the emotions that are caused by betrayal.  There are honest and good people out there who are in the same boat as you. So staying positive and giving your self plenty of time to heal can do wonders for your self-esteem and courage when you are ready to enter into a new relationship.  The only way to move on is to empower yourself and heal the wounds, doing hobbies, hanging out with friends, and getting on with your life.

Throughout this time you will feel pain that you think will never go away, but know that as time passes wounds will heal.  Soon things will get rolling and life may start getting better than before.  You can’t let the wheel stop spinning and throw yourself into a rut.  Use outlets to express your pain, to express your feelings, and to take your mind out of the past.  Things like working out and running help strengthen our body, but also help soothe the mind.  Just stay strong and know things will get better, even if you feel they are at their worst right now.

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Learning to Trust after Your Divorce

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

It can be a horrible experience in your life after divorce. You spent so much time and built so much around that person. You’ve worked at your relationship and enjoyed it for so long. You put everything you had into your spouse, trust, devotion, love, and admiration, now all of this gone. How can you ever trust anyone ever again?

It is possible to trust another again as you did your former love. You just have to learn to let go of the pain you have now. You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You did get hurt and you have every right in the world to be angry but you have to move on if you want to have another relationship. Not everyone you meet is going to hurt you. You have to let them know you have been hurt before and are not willing to go through it again.

Do you ever find yourself snooping through your new love’s things? If so, you do not trust that person. You may be having a hard time trusting this person, because you last spouse cheated on you and you are looking for signs. If you find anything that could be considered “cheat material” you will immediately act as if this person is also cheating on you. You should not dig through your lover’s things. You have to learn to trust them even though it does not feel possible. Learning to trust means to be open to that person and establishing good communication. Both of you have to be committed to your relationship.

Take a day for just the two of you to do nothing but talk and bond. Spend a day at a park or go see a movie together. Cook a dinner together. Doing all of this establishes good communication and bonding.

When hard times come around it is not entirely a bad thing. You can grow together from the issue. You learn from what you do wrong. Mistakes will be made and it is important to try to learn from them and grow from them.

Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, or a perfect relationship. Everyone has issues no matter what they lead you to believe. Problems are there for you to learn and grow together and you should try to have fun and laugh a lot when you can.

Most of all just try to love each other to the best of your ability.

Posted in Emotions & Divorce, Post-Divorce | No Comments »

Tips for Surviving Your Divorce

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

Your world has broken apart and you are now living in utter despair, you don’t even feel like you can face another day because you just went through a divorce. Now, you are faced with a whole new set of problems and emotions and you may feel like a fish out of water because your way of life just ended. Your probably dealing with  all kind of thoughts and feelings like, how will I go on, did I do the right thing ,I feel lonely, what about the children? The list goes on and on, so these tips for surviving your divorce should help you regain some control on your life and help smooth out the road again. 

You are now living in the aftermath and now its time to start the reconstruction of your life. As you are reading this you may be thinking, I can’t and even though you think no one else has had to deal with this catastrophic event, one day soon you will be thinking back and saying wow my life is better today than any other time I can think of.  Just like the millions of people who have survived a divorce before you. Now let’s get you started with some of the most common survival training tips. First you need to sweep any feelings of regret out of your way, be thinking back to the reason you got a divorce and simply affirm to your self this was the best action. Secondly, avoid secluding your self from family and friends and become a recluse, this is the worst thing you could possibly do when in fact, you need their support and company more that ever now.

If you have children you just might be feeling guilty and sad for them splitting them away from the other parent. Well the odds are you and you spouse’s  fussing and fighting all the time in front of the children even though you had not intended to, as the relationship was decaying away toward your divorce. It’s always better for a child to have both mom and dad living in harmony apart than seeing their parents fighting all the time. Now that the divorce has happened you need to accept to yourself that, no matter how you ended up with this divorce, stop blaming your self or your ex spouse and start you way to making yourself better than you use to be (Self Improvement).

Like most people who have just divorced, chances are you have lost some or even all of your income or other assets, hopefully you were able to hang on to your job through it all as some people lose it as well. Whatever your financial situation turned out to be you can’t dwell on what you lost or had its time to move on. You are not the first or the last this has happened too, so set new goals for finances, if you can’t afford where you live anymore then its time to move, and by all means if you’re not working its time to go back to work, your children are counting on you. Get your chin-up, set new goals, and be positive about your self and your plans, and you will be looking back very soon saying my life is better that ever.

Posted in Emotions & Divorce, General Divorce | No Comments »

Releasing Negativity

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

It can be very hard to release negative feelings about yourself or your ex-spouse during the divorce and even after the divorce. Releasing negativity is an important part in your healing process. Any time you have any type of emotions about a certain person you are still connected to them. In a divorce situation, you had all times of emotions at once and now you are combating them one at a time, but releasing negativity may be the hardest one yet to overcome. However, as long as you have these thoughts and feelings you are still going to be tied to that person and to the past events.

The very first thing you should do is to accept these emotions. You were hurt during your divorce and you will have negativity thoughts and emotions when you think about everything that happened, as least during the first few months after the divorce is final. However, you do not want to carry these emotions with you for years to come like an anchor around your neck.

Releasing negativity toward yourself or your ex-spouse is not going to be easy. You may be reminded of these feelings more than once over the next few months and questions will unfold that can bring back negative thoughts such as How could I been fooled for so long, why are they such liars, and so on and so forth. However, when you allow these emotions to be the center of your day, you are allowing these negative thoughts and feelings to control you. As you begin to allow these negative feelings about yourself, mount you will begin to blame, the person that ended the divorce and have even more negative feelings to control.

What you must do now is to quit laying blame. Divorce happens to many people and it is normally no ones fault. The marriage is over and that is that. Do not blame your self or your ex-spouse. Next, write down all the things that cause your negative thoughts and feelings. Try to think of a different way to put these items instead of in a negative way. Try to re-write the thoughts in a different way instead of a negative way that brings back the pain, but still do not change the event into lies.

Next, you must forgive and get on with your life; this does not mean that what they did was okay. However, now you can at least think of them without wishing you could strangle them. Forgiving is for your sanity than theirs. Especially if you have children to consider you must be able to accept this person is going to be around and you do not want those negative feelings weighing you down. Releasing negativity can be done, just get your faith back in yourself and be strong.

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Recovering Your Self-Esteem

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

Often times divorce has sent your self-esteem spiraling down to an all time low in your life. It probably did not just happen over night, most likely it started back when you were with you spouse he or she may have planted deep root feelings of low self-esteem with comments they may have spoken putting you down all the time .  Over a course of time our minds begin to question the things we are told and start to wonder if perhaps they are true. As you dwell on these types of comment in general if only on a subconscious level your mind will start to believe it and low self-esteem creeps in.

Or perhaps you feel guilty and blame your self for your divorce, I could not keep him or her happy, It’s my entire fault, now you are thinking I am a loser and worthless as well.
Facts reveal that the way you feel about yourself is a driving force in everyone’s lives when it comes to every thing we do. Recovering your self-esteem is not always an easy task, you will have to work at it, but let’s take a look at some of the ways you can start.

First you need to know is self-esteem is powerful and gives your vitality, magnetism, super energy , and can make you feel like a conquer.

Now you need to retrain your mind, (so to speak) from all the things your x spouse may have said that was negative to you for so long that help destroy your self-esteem in the first place. You can start today by picturing yourself as what you would like to become, see your self as out going, friendly, and successful. Tell yourself often I am pretty or I am handsome and things like I am successful just like you want to be. Set goals for your self, not large ones to start with but one that you can obtain, (example don’t set a goal to climb to the top of the mountain at first, because you will fail, but if you had set the goal to just climb 25 feet for the first goal) you can bet you will achieve it and feel great raising your self-esteem level.

Next time to set the goal a little higher, you are what you eat and words are powerful food to our minds. Focus on a positive self talk and feed you mind with words of encouragement. Keep a picture in your mind the person you want to be and over time you will find not only have you recovered your self-esteem, you have become a powerful personality, out going and very happy.

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Letting Go of Your Relationship if You’re the One Left Behind

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

Many people after they go through a divorce continue to remain attached to their ex-partners and just cannot move forward with there own lives. More time than none after a divorce you will see your x spouse perhaps doing better than they ever did when they were married to you. They seem more out going, they have even met someone else, and they seem happier than the day the two of you first met.  And you are still hurting, wishing you were still with your x spouse, you just can’t do anything to start your life over, for some people they just can’t even begin to move forward in their own lives.

There are so many reasons that this happens to people after a divorce, one could be the fact that you did not want the divorce, but it was you x-spouse and that’s why they are growing in their lives and you remain a mess. Another especially for women who were married for many years have now lost what they thought was their security which makes it very hard for many to ever rebound and move forward. Others simply are still dwelling on feelings of regret, revenge and hostilities wanting to get even with their x-spouses wanting to make them pay in some way. Many just simply can’t function at all because they suffer for serious co-dependency and now they are afraid with out the support of a spouse.

Change is never easy, but if you are a person being left behind then its time to take some first steps toward healing and making a forward motion to get your life back on track. So you can start by viewing the marriage as dead, you have grieved long enough and that person is never coming back. Except the fact that no one is perfect and we all makes mistakes, accept the past is dead just like the marriage. Consider that if the marriage failed then your x-spouse just happen not to be your soul mate, which means you have a change to meet the real person you we intended to be with. Go do some activity or event you use to enjoyed, take a vacation or buy some new clothes.

If you have come to realize you were co-dependant on your x, then you probably need to make that first step and find some kind of support group to help you cope with this problem and can help you reclaim you independence. If you’re stuck on your x-spouse thinking oh “I love him or her “and I am going to win them back!  Then you still have not excepted the marriage is dead, forget about them and maybe for the first time in many years be selfish and just think about pleasing your self as to what makes you happy and reacquaint your self with who you are and stop being left behind.

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How to Manage Conflict in Your Divorce

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

Unless you are, the perfect couple and both can agree all everything then there will be conflicts. Some conflicts can be very minor while others can be disastrous. How to manage conflicts that arise in your divorce can be decide by determining just how important these conflicts are to you and how much time, it is worth in order for you come to a decision.

You already know what the conflicts are that are facing you in your divorce, who stays in the home, who gets custody of the children, is joint custody a possibility, will the children spend 50 percent of their with you and then 50 percent with the other parent, who gets the children for the holidays, who gets which auto and so on.

First, you must ask yourself these questions.

Is the issue really that important or can I live with the other spouse having the car, furniture, etc?

Is what is at stake that important to me?

Will talking about the issue make it better or worse?

Am I willing to sit and listen to their side?

Now, you really know which conflicts are important and which ones you need to address. But, can you both sit down and rationally discuss the issues without causing even more friction? First, you must be willing to compromise and so must your spouse. If you cannot see that you both can have agreements on anything, you can suggest a therapist or even a divorce mediator. This way you will both learn to share and compromise and the conflicts can get resolved.

If you are wishing to win, win, win in your divorce, then you are going to be sadly disappointed unless your spouse was an abusive person to you and the children. The only way to avoid conflict is to know that neither one of you is in a winning situation and you both will lose something along the way.

Managing conflict may be as easy as giving in to some things your spouse wants for other things that you desire. Let’s say that you both have accumulated many things over the years while you were married. You both love going fishing and both of you wish to keep the fishing equipment and the boat. But, you also have one truck with a hitch for the boat and two cars, one with a hitch and one without which is a sports car. Your spouse wants the truck because they also use it for work and they also want the sports car. Well, you could compromise and say, “I will let you have the truck and the sports car, but then I get the other car and the boat.” This way you both win.

Remember, if you cannot agree, the court will make the decisions for you and you both may lose out on what you really would like to keep.

Posted in Emotions & Divorce, General Divorce | No Comments »

How to Cope When Your Spouse Goes Ballistic

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

You have decided to let your spouse know that you want a divorce, but you do not know how they will react to the news. Many spouses really do go ballistic and you need to know how to cope when your spouse goes ballistic.

First, calmly tell your spouse that you want a divorce and then be quiet. Let them talk, yell, rant, rave, and you just sit quietly back and listen. If they just keep screaming and yelling, you can very quietly get up and leave the room. You should have some clothing packed for you and the children and be ready to leave if your spouse has any type of violent tendencies. Whether you know it or not you are dropping a bomb on their lap, even if they have known for a long while the marriage is over. Taking action on your complaints is much different from just bickering.

If you do believe, you need to leave and take some time after telling them you desire a divorce, do not just get up and walk out. Calmly tell your spouse that you both need some time for this to sink in and that you will be back to discuss this further. However, if you do leave, you may not be able to get back in according to just how ballistic they get. They may change the locks and have all of your belongings strewn all over the yard. If you had any idea, they might react in this fashion, and then you should have a plan to remove your personal belongings before you drop the bomb.

Be prepared for anything that you might think they will do, coping with your spouse when they go ballistic is anticipating what they will do. You may be wondering what other things might happen when your spouse goes ballistic. Well, there are many, they may hire a private investigator, watch your home, go through your trash, talk to your friends, spread untrue ugly rumors, contact your family with threats and many more ugly things. The best way to counter these attacks is to not throw away any type of incriminating evidence, prepare your family and friends, get a restraining order, change the locks on the doors if you are still in the home, and by all means, if your spouse is calling you at work and harassing you, let your employer know immediately. This behavior could jeopardize your job.

Posted in Emotions & Divorce, General Divorce | No Comments »

Dealing with Divorce-Related Anger

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

The biggest emotion during a divorce is anger. Both people involved in a divorce have their own reasons for being angry. However, the worst thing anyone can do is to ignore these feelings. Anger that is pushed away or put off to the side will be redirected and may cause you problems later on.

Divorce is a life changing experience. You must begin a new life without the person that you believed you would spend your entire life with. It can be painful and confusing, but you must accept that it is over so you can continue with your life. There are ways you can control or rid yourself of this anger.

Divorce is like a death. You are going to be burying your hopes and dreams of a long and happy life with your spouse. It is fine to have a grieving time. You are losing a part of your life. In addition, anger is a part of grieving whether you know it or not. When someone passes away, anger is seen in questions such as, why did they leave me. These types of questions are the same in a divorce situation. So, allow yourself time to grieve and heal from the loss of your dreams.

When your divorce is final, you will still have reasons to be angry. There will be issues concerning which one of you was granted the home, the children, visitation, and even child support and alimony. All of these things can make you very angry all over again, if you do not learn to come to terms with the reality that it is over and they are no longer a part of your life, except when it comes to the children.

The best way to deal with this anger is to talk it out with a professional. You can talk with your friend and family and all they will do is side with you about how bad you were treated, how the court was against you and who should have gotten what during the divorce. This will not help you learn to control your anger; this will only make the anger grow, when you see that it also makes your family and friends angry. Talk with a professional such as your minister, a counselor, or seek therapy. There are many counselors that can help you rid your life of anger and learn to move ahead even to the point of joint custody.

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Dealing with Divorce Stress

Posted by admin on 27th April 2006

There are many difficult times in our life that produces stress, but divorce is the number one when it comes to difficult. When children are involved this can even be more stressful. You must try your best to carry on a normal life while caring for your children, the divorce proceedings, and even being around your soon ex to be even if it is just for the sake of your children.

Here are a few ways to help you cope with all you are going through and hopefully help you to keep a level head.

* Put your children first:  You may not wish to have anything to do with your ex-spouse, but your children still need their love, attention and affection. This is usually the hardest thing to remember and can put much undo stress on both parents, which really do not want anything to do with one another. You must never argue or talk bad about the other parent in front of the children. If you must let out these feelings, talk with a therapist or counselor, not the children.

* Think about your finances: In a calm and rational manner, discuss child support and alimony with your attorney or other parent if you can. Be reasonable; do not ask for more than you know they can give.

* Find an attorney that is a professional in divorce and child custody cases. If you can learn about the cases, he has been involved in and how he did on each case. Try to find cases that are similar to yours and then use that attorney if you believe they will be your best bet.

* Seek counseling for yourself and the children. Ask your ex-spouse to also consider counseling.

Dealing with divorce is always hard, no matter what the reason. You must learn that you were not the cause of the divorce. It takes both people to give up on the marriage. Learn to love yourself again, get involved in activities that you enjoy, join support groups, talk with your minister, and attend church functions. Do not sit around and brood. Life will go on after your divorce and you must prepare yourself for your new life. If you give up on life and have children involved, they will be missing you as a parent.  If you do not have children, then you are giving up on yourself as well.

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